When Friendships Go Bad

Yesterday I had my first day back at school. Yay! I was expecting it to be the best first day of the best year. And it mostly was...
Except that something happened at lunch time.

To tell this story, I'm going to have to backtrack a bit.

Two years ago, my friendship group consisted Ice Queen; Fish; Fangirl; and Superstar. There was also some others, but those are the main ones.

Since then, Superstar and Ice Queen have moved away - one to about an hour away, and the other across the other side of the country. Which sucks.

Yesterday was my first day at school without Ice Queen because I met her in the first week of my first year at this school. So already, I was nervous about the friendship aspect of the day. But then this event happened.

At my school, we have a first break (Morning Tea) and a second break (lunch). At first break, I went to the table that we had sat at last year. Fish and Fangirl didn't show up, but the other girls did. I didn't really think it was that important because it's not unusual for people to skip a lunch or morning tea. Sometimes people are talking to a teacher, other friends or are just too busy.

I didn't see them between morning tea and lunch, because we had different schedules.

At lunch, nobody was at the table. Except for me.

Our lunch is just under an hour long. About halfway through, when I was about to cry, some girls from another group - the group that I will be sitting with from now on - came over and sat down. They basically said that I looked lonely and would I like to go sit with them and their group. I did, and had a good lunchtime.

Immediately after, we had to go get our books. Outside the hall that we had to go into, I spied the girls. When I went up to them, I said, "Where were you guys?"
They responded with, "At the table."
After informing them that no, they weren't because I was there all lunch, they then refused to tell me where their new table was.

And then I clued in to why they weren't telling me.
"If you don't want to be friends, just say so."
The look they gave each other said it all, so I turned and walked off. And they just let me go.

I didn't really see them for the rest of the day.
I didn't cry, because I knew there were too many people around and this wasn't their problem - it was mine. And Fish and Fangirl's, of course.

However, once I was on the way home - I had gotten off the bus and was walking from the bus stop to my house - the dam broke. I cried and cried as One Direction played on my iPhone. I even honestly consider stepping in front of a bus or car, before remembering that suicide wasn't the option, no matter how bad it would make Fangirl and Fish feel to know that it was their fault (because it could make me feel pretty dodgy myself, or it could make me dead) and how much I would love to not have this stress and confusion on my shoulders.
I had a few questions, mostly beginning with why and what.
Why had they treated me like this. Why didn't they want to be friends anymore. What had I done? What could I do now? Did I even want to be friends with people who would treat me like that?
One thing I didn't consider was that it wasn't my fault. They are the only people that can decide how they act, and if they choose to be cows it's up to them.

So I called my trusty FGM and had a long D&M with her (which was punctuated with noise from Strawberry as she tried to climb into her pram which would probably tip it over) which made me realise that they were complete cows, that I didn't need friends like that (or that with friends like that I didn't even need enemies).
She also suggested I write a blog post, which I am obviously doing right now.

The last thing that I did related to this issue (aside from blocking them on Instagram) was text Fangirl with a simple, "What happened today?" 
I didn't get a reply.

Today when I went to school, I saw them a little bit in the morning. I made eye contact with Fangirl, who looked away; Fish wouldn’t look at me.

At lunch, they came to my new group and asked to talk to me. I initially refused, saying that I had nothing I wanted to say to them; but when the other girls in my group said I should, I went with them.

They then proceeded to talk about every fight or argument we’ve had since the group formed, two years ago. These were their reasons for ditching me. They also spoke about their other stuff going on at home – to be fair, I do use the ‘stuff going on outside of school’ excuse a lot, which I’ve decided not to do this year.

When they started saying personal stuff about me, I snapped.

I basically said to them that I don’t want to be friends with people who leave me by myself and don’t talk to me, then leave it up to me to figure it out. I don’t want to be friends with people who don’t have the decency to tell me when they have legitimate issues. More importantly, I don’t want to be friends with people who make me feel so bad that I walk home crying, feel so bad that I call FGM in tears, feel so bad that I consider jumping in front of a bus, feel so bad that I believe I have no friends and that I’m a horrible person.

Would anyone?

I stormed off, almost in tears, and went back to my new group (who immediately make me laugh by talking about throwing cats at people).

And all afternoon, I’ve had one thought in my mind.

I am NOT going back to them. They are absolute cows.

So what are my thoughts?

Well first my thought was that it was my fault, but then I realized that obviously Fish and Fangirl have problems of their own.

I thought that it was extremely rude the way that they went about it. I thought that it was a really immature way to handle things.

I think that they owe me an apology for the way they handled it.

I know that if they treat me like that, they never really were my friends.

I think that I’m completely over them.

 But I know that if they need me, they'll come back, and I'll probably be stupid (or kind?) enough to let them. 

So what has this taught me?

It’s taught me that sometimes, no matter how hard you try or how great you think things are, friendships fall apart – or are smashed.

It’s taught me that you DO NOT under any circumstances treat your friends like that. If you thought they were good enough for you to form a friendship with them in the first place, they’re good enough to deserve to be told when that friendship’s over.  I don’t care how much you think they've screwed up, but they deserve to know - nobody should be kept in limbo wondering where they stand with someone. It sucks. I don't mind if you send a passive-aggressive text, scream at them that it's over or just say the cliche, "We're done." (followed by a hair flip and an impressive storm away, of course) JUST DON'T  LEAVE THEM HANGING!

I also learned that it's hard to know who your real friends are until it's put to the test. 

So what are your stories? What's happened in your group that has changed your life - good or bad? 

What have you learned from it and what are you doing (or did you do) about it? 

One last thing that I learned was that things change, people change and sometimes things don't always work. Just as you grow out of your favourite childhood ballet tutu or superhero costume, you can outgrow people, and relationships. 

But never let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game. 

Fairy God Daughter, 

Flying away