Friendships are amazing while they last, but sometimes they
break up. Quite recently, mine has, and so I’d thought I’d give my advice on
how to deal with a break up. These are not necessarily in order, but just
suggestions of things to do.
First, you want to figure out if the friendship is actually
over, because it takes a lot of energy to mourn it, and it would be a waste of
time if you’re just facing a blip. If you’ve concluded that the friendship is
over – whether it was your choice, their choice or a mutual decision – and are
not going to try getting it back, then please read the next steps.
1.
Chocolate.
Okay, it’s not healthy and it can’t fix everything, but a little bit of comfort
eating makes you feel better. I’ve eaten almost a whole family block of
chocolate in the last 3 days!
2.
Crying.
Yes, this one makes you feel better (well, except for the headache you get
afterwards). Grab a pillow, and scream and cry to your heart’s content. This is
also where you can say things that you want to say to your ex-friends that you
wouldn’t actually say to them.
3.
Get your
anger out! The way I did this was by putting Taylor Swift on full volume
and having a dance session. I closed my bedroom door, blasted the music and
jumped around like a maniac, screaming the lyrics that I felt the most. From
experience, the rest of my family left me alone.
4.
Find
support. This means finding new friends, but also outside support. For me,
it has been FGM, and my sister Ted. They’ve been giving me advice, hugs and
made me laugh (I’m talking to you, Home Girl Kizzle Dizzle Fo-Shizzle Nizzle).
Trust me, something this big isn’t something you want to face alone.
5.
Stop
responding. Every time they say something and you reply and they say
something else etc. you’re just escalating it. Instead, don’t reply; block them
from social media, don’t reply to their messages and texts, don’t answer their
calls, walk away from them – just don’t engage in conversation. This will stop
you from moving on, and most likely will make you get hurt again. On the same
token, if you need to have a proper conversation about what went on and where
to go from now, then be mature and stay calm. If things get angry, leave, and
don’t respond. But if you reply to their catty remarks, and they reply, then
you say something worse – it won’t stop. Also, if you try at a later time to be
friends, you don’t want to have said things that you’ll regret. This means you
can’t get in trouble, and all you have done is tried to avoid conflicts.
Eventually they’ll get bored when they realise they won’t get a reaction, and
they’ll stop.
6.
Accept it
and move on. This is the hardest one, but eventually you have to realize
that the friendship has changed, and things are different. You have to accept
it and move on with your life. You can’t let this rule you, because that gives
your ex-friends power over you and they don’t deserve that at all! They’ve
obviously done something that has wrecked the friendship, and neither of you
are blameless (no matter what happened – they did or didn’t do something, and
you did or didn’t do something else) so you do not owe them anything, except
possibly an apology. Put them out of your mind and surround yourself with people
that make you happy.
7.
Don’t
hold grudges. This one is basically arguing the other ones, but if you have
legitimate issues that you can’t move on from, you need to talk to your old
friends. Keep it calm and relaxed, but say to them that you are very hurt by
what they did or said, and tell them what you would like. They don’t know
whether you want them to replace something, apologise or even just acknowledge
they did something – you need to tell them. It’s as simple as saying, “Gemma, I
am really hurt that you insulted my new hair colour during our argument. It
would make me feel better if you apologise.” DO NOT LET THINGS GET HEATED! You
don’t want to have another argument, so if things get angry, walk away. Simply
say that you will be back when both of you are calm, and leave; or, just walk
off.
8.
Finally,
make peace. Make sure you aren’t harvesting any negative feelings towards
them, and that you are ready to make peace. You don’t have to say anything, you
just have to let go of the hurt and accept that it happened, but that’s okay.
You need to be at the stage where you can smile at them and say hi
occasionally, and that you won’t burn the school down if you’re in the same
class/classes.
Once you’re at the stage where you can be civil, then you’re
healed. It can be a long and painful journey, especially if they continue doing
things such as sending messages, saying things, ganging up on you and
everything else; but eventually, they’ll get bored and stop.
If something has happened in your friendship that requires
the termination of your relationship, then I am really sorry this happened to
you. I wish you the best in the future, and if you want you can leave your story
in the comments.
Good luck :)
Fairy God Daughter,
Flying away.
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